Its going to be a thoughtful post, this one.

As I sit down to type this, on a wimp of thought, I finally ask myself the question that has been nagging me for quite some time:

What is my reality?

Now, its gonna be rather emo, but I think I have to settle some things in my life before I can go on, I realized this after walking through crowds, empty buildings, that my life is going to suck at the pace im going.

You know, as I set down that day at ourspace, I think it was the day after I spoke with my lecturer and “realized” that I needed a degree to well, earn more money next time.
Which like, brought me back from running away from “slacking”.

So I was at ourspace right, and I was looking at all the students there, most of them were dota-ing and playing CS and I was musing to myself that life is like a race, and that there are distractions all around, and all of us, given the same time, are competing in that race and people will get stopped or slowed by different distractions.

Only people who know what they want and are determined will get what they want in the end. Its like a survival game, distractions all about are testing your will of achieving your desires at the end.

I know it sounds REALLY cliché BUT im not kidding, I kinda realize that in a grownup sorta way.

It’s like,

As I walk through crowds, I feel alone. A stream of people. Again, people have their own lives, people have their own notion of reality, they live the life they work for. And, everyone there has their…own life.

I read a phrase before: “Reality is defined by what one chooses to see”. Reality is what we want to see and accept. It means a lot, when I think about it. I can see my life as alright, enjoyable, and I can see my life as a pain. Or I can also see my life as being fortunate, you get the idea

And that’s why im trying to define my reality.

I know I’m fickle, lazy, lacking of discipline, I kid myself about the future. But for some reason I know it but I cant push myself. I dunno, im always motivating myself and then I always slacken after the initial hoo-har. You know, even in how I relate to people, I try to be cool, shoot out fancy hilarious punch lines, but I always revert to the same lame shit, kinda like an attention seekin- alright yeah, so I do love attention. Zzz.

You know, it’s so hard to revamp yourself and start out again. Im desperate. Desperate to change myself.

Spiritually, physically, mentally, relationships…

I feel like screaming “WHY?!!” but I can’t… I’m feeling so tired…can someone guide me? Encourage me, now I know and appreciate all the “dun stress, cheer up, all the best” things, but that’s not what I need. Sure it helps, but I need to find a new reality.

Seriously. My mood just changed, im feeling tired and frustrated.

And please, I’m not depressed or not, im just “bearing my soul” *sigh*.

I’ll probably wake up tomorrow…like nothing happened.

I have to think of my reality. Dramatic as it sounds, im feeling hollow inside. Mid-life crisis? No…just. Really feeling that everything I do is- there’s nothing in it. No passion, no purpose, I dunno how to describe it, but…

Think of me, and hope for my reality. I will seek my purpose. And find my reality.

[I will post as soon as I get it]